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dave's 2012 movie roundup
Nov. 30th, 2012 04:29 pmIt's almost December and that means I go through the movies that came out this year, in order of release, and tell you what I thought of them. Some of these films I saw, some of 'em I'm commenting on sight unseen. Your mileage may vary, and in fact almost undoubtedly does. LET'S GO 2012!!!
JOYFUL NOISE: this is the Dolly Parton / Queen Latifah thing that was shot partially at a restaurant in Smyrna that my parents are regulars at. Unfortunately that fact did not help it at the box office.
RED TAILS: This is the George Lucas WWII fighter plane epic. It used to be that any combination of the words “George Lucas” and “WWII” and “fighter plane epic” would get me in the theater. Not any more.
UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING: As long as you keep seeing these stupid movies they’ll keep making them. Stop the insanity.
THE GREY: Liam Neeson versus wolves. Don’t care who wins.
THE WOMAN IN BLACK: This was an actual Hammer horror picture that actually felt like a Hammer horror picture (minus amazing Technicolor bosoms, but hey).
SAFE HOUSE: saw this one on the plane. Decent actioner with Denzel Washington playing yet another variation on his “I’m the guy who knows more than you do” role.
THE SECRET WORLD OF ARRIETTY: Ghibli film about little people that live in the walls. Didn’t see.
THE LORAX: I took the TIM AND ERIC’S BILLION DOLLAR MOVIE pledge to not see this film.
TIM AND ERIC’S BILLION DOLLAR MOVIE: the movie that prevented me from seeing THE LORAX. If you like TIM AND ERIC’S AWESOME SHOW GREAT JOB, then you’ll like this movie. If not, then avoid at all costs.
JOHN CARTER: Pompous, overlong, self-important adaptation of seminal SF swashbuckler neither swashes nor buckles.
THE HUNGER GAMES: I’m not 14 so I don’t have to see this.
WRATH OF THE TITANS: Won't someone use their magic to undo the spell that turned Sam Worthington into a stone-faced non-actor? No?
THE AVENGERS: About as good as a comic book movie is ever going to get, really. They’re in the sweet spot of just enough super-powered nonsense but not too much super-powered nonsense, and I don’t think they know when to quit so I predict things will go downhill from here.
DARK SHADOWS: Better than I expected, not as comedic as the trailers would have you believe, nails the early 70s gothic horror romance vibe perfectly.
BATTLESHIP: You were surprised this turned out to stink? Really? You honestly expected this to be an actual watchable film? You are not very smart.
MEN IN BLACK 3: I guess people wanted another one of these. Not me!
SNOW WHITE & THE HUNTSTMAN: Dark fairy-tale action picture gets too CG cutesy in spots but delivers muddy fights and Charlize Theron scenery-chewing. Everybody seems to be having fun riding horses and sword-fighting.
PROMETHEUS: I would probably enjoy a half-hour with a big glossy coffee table book of images from this film, but as something I want to spend twelve bucks and two hours on, not so much. I already knew where the aliens in ALIEN came from; it’s called “space”.
BRAVE: Trailers looked good. Was that enough to get me into the theater? No.
THE AMAZING SPIDER MAN: You know, I saw three feature films starring Spider-Man already. I think I’m done here.
THE DARK KNIGHT RISES: I don’t ever need to see a movie starring Batman ever again. I liked the movie fine, whatever, we're done here.
IRON SKY: High-concept comedy about Nazis on the moon alternatively mystifies, confuses, bores, and angers. Usually bad movies don’t make me angry, but this one did.
TOTAL RECALL: Somebody actually thought what the world needed was a big-budget remake of a shitty 90s movie starring Colin “Box Office Poison” Ferrell. Hope you enjoy failure.
RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION: If you quit seeing these movies, they’ll quit making them.
DREDD: Low-budget tough as nails Judge Dredd movie. If you like Judge Dredd then you’ll probably like this movie. Trouble is the people who like Judge Dredd apparently don’t go to movies.
SINISTER: I don’t usually get creeped out by movies but this one found my creep button and kept pushing it repeatedly.
SKYFALL: You know, I liked it, don’t know if it’s the best Bond ever, seemed a tad over-written in contrast to the last one which seemed a tad under-written. Strangely grounded second half, sets its jaw and gets to work setting up the pieces for further Bond movies, which appeals to somebody, I guess. It’s not like it’s a surprise to anybody that they’re going to make more Bond movies.
RED DAWN: Take an iconic Cold War movie and remake it without the Cold War. Sure, that’ll work. Why not, we get paid anyway, nobody's even checking any more.
WRECK IT RALPH: I don’t have the sentimental attachment to video game iconography that seems to infect everyone else my age and younger, but it looks like a fun picture and we’ll probably see it sometime.
RISE OF THE GUARDIANS: saw a bunch of great looking production artwork from this movie on the walls at PDI DREAMWORKS when we were out there last year. None of it starred the stupid little elves.
THE HOBBIT: there is no way in hell you are going to get me to spend another seven hours of my life watching little people wander around New Zealand battling creatures. No fucking way. I don’t care. I never cared.
JACK REACHER: Tom Cruise plays yet another super spy who does super spy things while standing on various height-enhancing just-out-of-shot objects, I guess. He has a car. I don’t know who this character is or why I should feel compelled to see him in a movie. Should I? Shouldn’t he be transitioning into movies that don’t involve him out-running explosions?
JOYFUL NOISE: this is the Dolly Parton / Queen Latifah thing that was shot partially at a restaurant in Smyrna that my parents are regulars at. Unfortunately that fact did not help it at the box office.
RED TAILS: This is the George Lucas WWII fighter plane epic. It used to be that any combination of the words “George Lucas” and “WWII” and “fighter plane epic” would get me in the theater. Not any more.
UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING: As long as you keep seeing these stupid movies they’ll keep making them. Stop the insanity.
THE GREY: Liam Neeson versus wolves. Don’t care who wins.
THE WOMAN IN BLACK: This was an actual Hammer horror picture that actually felt like a Hammer horror picture (minus amazing Technicolor bosoms, but hey).
SAFE HOUSE: saw this one on the plane. Decent actioner with Denzel Washington playing yet another variation on his “I’m the guy who knows more than you do” role.
THE SECRET WORLD OF ARRIETTY: Ghibli film about little people that live in the walls. Didn’t see.
THE LORAX: I took the TIM AND ERIC’S BILLION DOLLAR MOVIE pledge to not see this film.
TIM AND ERIC’S BILLION DOLLAR MOVIE: the movie that prevented me from seeing THE LORAX. If you like TIM AND ERIC’S AWESOME SHOW GREAT JOB, then you’ll like this movie. If not, then avoid at all costs.
JOHN CARTER: Pompous, overlong, self-important adaptation of seminal SF swashbuckler neither swashes nor buckles.
THE HUNGER GAMES: I’m not 14 so I don’t have to see this.
WRATH OF THE TITANS: Won't someone use their magic to undo the spell that turned Sam Worthington into a stone-faced non-actor? No?
THE AVENGERS: About as good as a comic book movie is ever going to get, really. They’re in the sweet spot of just enough super-powered nonsense but not too much super-powered nonsense, and I don’t think they know when to quit so I predict things will go downhill from here.
DARK SHADOWS: Better than I expected, not as comedic as the trailers would have you believe, nails the early 70s gothic horror romance vibe perfectly.
BATTLESHIP: You were surprised this turned out to stink? Really? You honestly expected this to be an actual watchable film? You are not very smart.
MEN IN BLACK 3: I guess people wanted another one of these. Not me!
SNOW WHITE & THE HUNTSTMAN: Dark fairy-tale action picture gets too CG cutesy in spots but delivers muddy fights and Charlize Theron scenery-chewing. Everybody seems to be having fun riding horses and sword-fighting.
PROMETHEUS: I would probably enjoy a half-hour with a big glossy coffee table book of images from this film, but as something I want to spend twelve bucks and two hours on, not so much. I already knew where the aliens in ALIEN came from; it’s called “space”.
BRAVE: Trailers looked good. Was that enough to get me into the theater? No.
THE AMAZING SPIDER MAN: You know, I saw three feature films starring Spider-Man already. I think I’m done here.
THE DARK KNIGHT RISES: I don’t ever need to see a movie starring Batman ever again. I liked the movie fine, whatever, we're done here.
IRON SKY: High-concept comedy about Nazis on the moon alternatively mystifies, confuses, bores, and angers. Usually bad movies don’t make me angry, but this one did.
TOTAL RECALL: Somebody actually thought what the world needed was a big-budget remake of a shitty 90s movie starring Colin “Box Office Poison” Ferrell. Hope you enjoy failure.
RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION: If you quit seeing these movies, they’ll quit making them.
DREDD: Low-budget tough as nails Judge Dredd movie. If you like Judge Dredd then you’ll probably like this movie. Trouble is the people who like Judge Dredd apparently don’t go to movies.
SINISTER: I don’t usually get creeped out by movies but this one found my creep button and kept pushing it repeatedly.
SKYFALL: You know, I liked it, don’t know if it’s the best Bond ever, seemed a tad over-written in contrast to the last one which seemed a tad under-written. Strangely grounded second half, sets its jaw and gets to work setting up the pieces for further Bond movies, which appeals to somebody, I guess. It’s not like it’s a surprise to anybody that they’re going to make more Bond movies.
RED DAWN: Take an iconic Cold War movie and remake it without the Cold War. Sure, that’ll work. Why not, we get paid anyway, nobody's even checking any more.
WRECK IT RALPH: I don’t have the sentimental attachment to video game iconography that seems to infect everyone else my age and younger, but it looks like a fun picture and we’ll probably see it sometime.
RISE OF THE GUARDIANS: saw a bunch of great looking production artwork from this movie on the walls at PDI DREAMWORKS when we were out there last year. None of it starred the stupid little elves.
THE HOBBIT: there is no way in hell you are going to get me to spend another seven hours of my life watching little people wander around New Zealand battling creatures. No fucking way. I don’t care. I never cared.
JACK REACHER: Tom Cruise plays yet another super spy who does super spy things while standing on various height-enhancing just-out-of-shot objects, I guess. He has a car. I don’t know who this character is or why I should feel compelled to see him in a movie. Should I? Shouldn’t he be transitioning into movies that don’t involve him out-running explosions?
